18-21 months: The mother of all developmental transitions

Too many parents seem to be going through this stage right now for me to wait until we get there "chronologically." That format probably doesn't make much sense on a blog anyway. So let's just jump in with one of several emails that capture the crazies of 18-months. For many more similar stories, go check out Moxie's comments section in a post about commiserating during this stage and read her fantastic advice on how to deal with sleep disruptions at this age (here and here).

P. wrote about her 18.5 month old girl. I've addressed her email in parts:

My daughter has been sleeping in our bed since about 4 months old.  She slept in a co-sleeper before that.  And in her crib for about a week at some point.  I never planned to co-sleep but she started waking up every 30-60 minutes around 4 months old and I moved her into the bed to make it easier on me.  Ha!  I haven't had any lucking getting her out since.  

If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I never planned to co-sleep but..."  I hear you. First off, don't beat yourself up over that decision. It was wise at the time and you just want a change now. Doesn't take away the fact that it was the right thing for your family at the time.

 

She continues to wake up 3-4/night and nurses back to sleep.  Occasionally she only wakes 1-2 times but that isn't often.  At least once per week she wakes in the middle of the night and wants to get up and party.  She is up for anywhere between 1-3 hours and is nursing most of that time. She was sleeping from 7-7 ever night and napping for 1.5 hours in the early afternoon.  Now she is going down late (8:30-9:00) and getting up early (5:30-6:30) and napping throughout the day.  No schedule at all.  I have no idea why this happened or how to fix it.  I feel like every day is different.  This can't be good for her and it is making me crazy.

I can give you the why: she turned 18 months old. This is BY FAR the biggest change your baby has gone through in her short life. There is a huge burst in "working memory" (think of working memory like the computer's RAM; it's what you can hold in mind at one time).  That underlies a bunch of changes that start happening during this time and all of it can kick sleeping to hell. Here are some of the details from the book:

FROM BEDTIMING: "On the bright side, the period beginning at 17-18 months is a glorious phase of development. You will notice massive changes as your child moves beyond infancy into what can properly be called early childhood. ...language development begins to skyrocket as children learn to use two-part “sentences” that can describe exactly what they’re thinking and what they want (Mama up; cookie NOW; NO beans!). They can also begin to understand social roles, conflicting goals, and other kinds of symbolic relationships, including simple rules and ideas such as cleanliness. These are huge cognitive changes, and indeed the 18-month transition is considered a major stage shift in many theories of cognitive development. But more than that, it is a period of emotional reorganization (or total chaos, if you're trying to get the child to JUST. SLEEP. NOW). Children now begin to recognize themselves as beings in a truly social world made up of other people. They see themselves as individuals, with goals and wishes, and they see other people as individuals, also with goals and wishes. The realization that their wishes might just conflict with yours is an enormous challenge to what was previously a strong and super-hero sense of self. Now they’re not so sure whose wishes are going to prevail. As a result, conflicts grow in number and intensity, the word “No!” makes its debut in earnest (yes, they've used it before, but NOTHING like the force with which they do now), and toddlers try to establish a sense of security, balanced with a sense of independence, by commandeering their parents on some occasions, defying them on others, but always looking for signs of social approval, to reassure them that they are still members in good standing in the “club” of social connectedness. This is why we call this the period of "social negotiation."  Of course, these emotional changes can be difficult, but they are also touching and heart-warming. Your child is a real, independent little person now. With vulnerabilities and insecurities to be sure, but also with a new capacity for understanding and intimacy, and a kind of tenderness and love that we recognize as being very much like our own. Our babies are no longer tiny aliens: they are now complex little social beings, with distinct personalities, needs, and ways of doing things.
    What aspects of this period make it especially troublesome for sleep training? Separation is more painful now than it has been since the age of 8–11 months, because it is interpreted according to your baby’s sense of your goals and agendas. If you are somewhere else, you could be intentionally ignoring her, perhaps because you have better things to do. Physical separation means psychological separation, and that is not a comforting option! Research has shown the highest peak in separation distress at exactly 18 months. Rather than being alone, the 18-month-old now wants to be with you...sometimes as much as possible.
    So what happens when you explain that it’s time to go to sleep? You kiss your baby goodnight and tiptoe out the room. You probably won’t have to wait long before the first howling protest: “Nooooo! Come back!!!!  No sleep!!!!  Want kiss! Want kiss! Want more! Get Daddy! Daddy come! Mommy come! Want Mommy, not Daddy. Want Daddy, not Mommy!” And on and on. This is precisely the social negotiation that you can expect at this age. Your child is using his collection of words to tell you what he wants, in as many ways as he can, knowing full well he’s opposing your wishes. His anxiety escalates as he realizes that you are becoming impatient and irritated. He therefore needs even more reassurance, making him increasingly determined not to be alone, as the struggle continues. Yet each time he tries another tactic, he feels like he’s losing a little more of you. He is a little more in danger of being tossed out of the “club” of social closeness, or at the very least having his membership privileges revoked. And he knows it, but he can’t stop, because to give in, to stop protesting, would mean accepting your absence and giving up his ability to enlist your care. If you disappear now, he’s alone, really alone. And what’s more, he is not very good at accepting defeat these days. Because not getting his way means a loss of his sense of power and effectiveness in the world in general and the social world in particular. And that feeling of helplessness is devastating.
    The emotional changes that rapidly cascade from about 18 to 21 months are likely to make sleep training a dramatic, traumatic, and ultimately ineffective effort. And the reason for this is simple. During the period of social negotiation your baby is attempting to balance her needs for security, a sense of acceptance, and confidence in her parents’ love on the one hand, with her need for independence and a sense of competence and accomplishment on the other. Your baby’s attention is focused on conflicting goals and wishes. Frustration is met with tears, anger, and very often the first temper tantrums. For your child to give in and go to sleep would mean admitting defeat, which means relinquishing her sense of being important and effective. This is tantamount to having her newly established sense of power snatched away in one fell swoop. Indeed, sleep training at this age is bound to be hampered by two interlocking issues: your toddler’s fear of separation and his determination to hold his own in conflict situations. Because of both issues, sleep training will be a hard-fought battle for the 17- to 21-month-old child."  END QUOTE.

So, my (probably horrifying for you) advice: Wait it out. You’ve made parenting decisions that suited your and your baby’s needs and they’ve worked so far. Just hold out a little longer before trying to make any changes. By 22 months or so, you can try any of the top 5 or so sleep training methods that best matches your parenting style and your child's personality. At that time, your girl  will probably respond quickly to the same efforts that seem so doomed right now. 

Comments

[sam]

Oh no!!! My daughter is, lessee, 20 months in 2 days time and everything you have written has made total sense to me.

We sleep trained successfully at around 12 months to get her to fall asleep by herself. It was PAINLESS. She cried for 2 minutes the first night, 4 the next and 0 the next. We had abandoned previous attempts to sleep train as I had found them far to traumatic at around 6 and 8 months (I haven't read your book yet and so I don't know if this ties in with your theories).

At 15 months, we attempted to night wean. Hubby went in to all of the night wakings. Again...painless. She wasn't happy at first but she didn't cry for very long and was soon sleeping through the night for first time in her life.

At 17 months - it all went to the crapper.

It started with her no longer being able to put herself to sleep. You mentioned RAM - well this girl seems to need to talk about her day before she goes to sleep. Everyone that she has seen during the day comes pouring out and what she has done, eaten for dinner etc etc.

Then came the 'social negotiation' you mentioned.
Me: Lucy it's time to sleep.
DD: Cuddle.
Me: Ok I'll cuddle you and then cot, sleep.
DD: Cuddle, Swee sway.
(so we sit in the chair to cuddle).
DD: Boobie.
Me: No Lucy, boobie has finished for now, we'll cuddle.
Me: I'm going to put you in your cot now.
DD: Nooo! Cuddle!

This is combined with waking once a night and getting up for the day at 5:30am.

As the lack of sleep had me crying in the toilets at work on Wednesday, I had determined that some kind of sleep training was necessary. Now I realise I'm probably going to have to wait it out. Perhaps she's developmentally advanced and 20 months will be a good time for her... (please?!?!?!?!).

Also wanted to add that she has discovered the word 'MINE' or 'Lucy's!!' with her possessions (or the playground apparatus!) which seems to tie in with your description of the development that takes place at this time.

This all so fascinating! Thank you!

[parisienne mais presque]

My 21-month-old just figured out how to climb out of his crib. I understand that this is not the time to make changes in his sleep, for not only is he in the middle of all the developmental stuff you just described (and how -- "Maman! Maman!" all.the.time), but we're in the middle of remodeling our kitchen and the entire apartment is turned upside down.

I just wish someone could explain to *him* that now is not the time to be making a big change in his sleep environment. Because for safety's sake we're going to have to remove the side from his crib and transform it into a "big boy bed" tonight, and I am dreading the consequences. He hates change at the moment -- even trying on new shoes is traumatic -- and I fear he will reject his modified bed entirely.

I'm hoping by the time the kitchen is back together in three weeks' time and the little guy will be a couple weeks past 22 months old, things will fall back into place, new bed and all. Right?

21 months seems just too early for a "big boy bed," and I honestly didn't expect to face this transition for another six months... ha!

[Mom to Elise, 26 months now]

I wish I would have known about this when my daughter hit 18 months and all h*ll broke loose at naptime. She was definitely exhibiting separation anxiety and it lasted exactly 3 months. Around 21 months, when her protest cries became more angry than upset, I realized I could let her CIO. It worked in 2 days - 30 mins crying first day, 5 mins second day, 1 second the 3rd and so on.

[Kelly]

@Parisienne-we have one of those kinds of cribs too (they don't use them in the US) and our 20 month old sleeps in it without the side. We encouraged her to play in it during the day so she would understand where the edges are and get familiar with it in general. However, we have a friend whose 24 month son couldn't sleep without the side rails, so their solution was to remove three or four of the rails so that there was a hole their son could crawl out if he wanted, but the crib wasn't quite so different.

I made my husband read the post above, and he thought that I had written the letter Isabel quoted! Somehow it's comforting to know we are not alone, and that it's going to end sometime, and that I didn't do anything wrong as a parent to make this happen. :-)

[Jen]

Your description of the social dilemma the kiddo is facing is heartbreaking! I have mentally filed this away for when mine gets to that age.

[Mary]

@Parisienne-we have a climber too but have been putting her in a sleep sack at night. It doesn't prevent her from moving around and standing up in her crib but it does prevent her from climbing out.