2.5 years old Part I: Just when you thought you could relax

So, piggy-backing on the last reader's question, let's talk about the next major developmental transition: two and a half years old. Dude. This is a doozy. And it can last up until the child is around three. I'll stick to the more "cognitive" changes for this post and tomorrow I'll add the emotional level.

So, here's a small excerpt from our book on the cognitive changes that come online around 2.5.  The implications for sleep training will start becoming obvious to you, but we can get more specific in Part II (and please feel free to leave comments about your thoughts).

From Bedtiming: "Findings from a broad range of studies point to several fascinating changes in how toddlers think and act.  The transition from Stage 5 to 6, at about 28–30 months (2.5 years), spells major advances in the complexity of the sentences, stories, and rule relationships children can understand and manipulate. For example, children can knowingly either follow or violate rules well before 2 years. They know that throwing food is frowned upon, but they do it anyway, with a maddening glint in their eye, and they know that cleaning up toys is a good thing in some vague way. Two-year olds can also be aware of people’s goals, and the feelings that arise when they are satisfied or obstructed. Mommy is happy when I eat my carrots. My sister is sad when I hit her. BUT!  And here's the big change: they don’t see rules and goal-seeking in relation to each other. Which means that they don’t really get the purpose behind rules. By 2.5, however, children come to understand that parents’ goals and feelings have everything to do with rules. Rules are a recipe for making parents happy or angry. Breaking rules now involves more than just a display of selfhood: it marks a true rebellion, and that’s an expression of real power. We believe this is one reason why the “terrible twos” often get worse, not better, at the age of 2 and a half.  But kids this age can also follow rules to make parents happy or to keep Grandma from scolding them. In sum, children can now follow rules or break them in order to influence other people’s feelings. This is why we call this stage, "Social Maneuvering." This level of social understanding, and its use for good, not evil, so to speak, may be an important start on the path of moral development, the ability to know what's right and wrong and make choices accordingly...

The other social acquisition we emphasize for this period is a different animal, and one often seen as a monster: jealousy! Now is the time when true jealousy first rears its ugly head, because jealousy involves the comparison of two social relationships: you and me versus you and him, that other fellow over there who you seem to be quite taken with! That little threat in mummy's belly, waiting to pop out and take all mummy's attention and love from me (unfortunately for so many little 2.5 year olds, many parents have their second child right around this time). The more attention you give to him, the less you have for me. That’s the cognitive computation underlying real jealousy. This level of cognitive processing is exactly the same as that required to understand and manipulate others’ feelings by obeying or disobeying the rules, and that is why it emerges at roughly the same age..."

I'll write more about jealousy in Part II, because of its intimate connection with shame, feelings of inferiority, and other negative emotional states. But you can already see why bedtime issues get a lot more complicated. It turns out that the success or failure of sleep training at this age may depend a lot on whether there is another sibling around to bring the green monster out of its closet. Being attuned to these potentially painful, confusing emotional upheavals in our children at the very least helps us understand them; it may also help us consider structuring sleep transitions in more sensitive ways (as well as helping us to help them with so many other challenges they might be facing at this age).

For those of you out there with kids this age (or kids who have already gone through it), does this description resonate with you? Does it make sense? Can you give "real life" examples of this newfound obsession with understanding (and breaking) rules explicitly? Anyone else seeing jealousy really flare up at this age?

Comments

[Jessica]

I have a 2-1/2-year-old and a 5-month-old and...wow. He fits your description EXACTLY. He's been so much more of a little terror in the past few months than he EVER was. It's how defiant he is that really gets my goat. He does this "NO!" bit with a shrugged shoulder and a tilt of his head that would rival a teenager for its sheer obnoxiousness.

As for sleep, he definitely went through a sleep problem, coming into our room at 2 in the morning (during a wonderful three-hour stretch of sleep from the newborn, naturally), insisting on sleeping on the floor in our room...it's been crazy. He'll be 31 monhts in a few days, and the sleep does seem to be getting better, but the jealousy...Oh, I definitely see the jealousy! Anything Little Brother has, Big Brother wants, even if it's a stupid baby toy that he outgrew years ago. I know he craves some mommy time, too, but I can't give him the one-on-one when I have a needy baby to nurse, hold, etc., too.

I'm waiting to see when I can make one major change in his sleep habits, though, and that's making him learn to fall asleep in his bed, and not on the floor next to the gate at the top of the stairs. He's been doing this for about a year, and people kept telling me he'd outgrow it. Well, he hasn't yet, and it's getting pretty annoying, especially now that I have to carry the new baby up the stairs with me. Trying to get myself over the gate without killing either child has been a challenge, but I didn't want to force a change on Big Brother until he was ready. But it sounds like I may want to put that off another few months... Sigh.

[Rebecca]

We don't have a second child, but my 2 1/2 year old son is jealous of my husband! When I get a hug, he'll say, "Don't touch MY mommy!" (It made me think of the Oedipal complex, but basic jealousy makes a lot more sense.)

[Tiffanie]

I have a son who will turn three in about a month and a half and a 2.5 month old. After reading this I'm realizing that his behavior isn't JUST because of the new baby! After the baby was born, he mainly just got SUPER defiant and started breaking rules that we had established long ago. For instance, he started running away from me in public. And, of course, he chose to run toward anything dangerous (getting the biggest reaction out of me, of course). He ran toward busy streets and even ran onto a pier on the lake! Luckily, I think we're past that. However, after having a year and a half of him sleeping all through the night by himself, he's gone to getting up every single night again.